"Hey, Cos! Do something! Call me a cab!"

"OK, you're a cab."

"Thanks a lot!"

"Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony."

"You're not out of job, we're putting you in as head of our new music department."

"Oh, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony."

"Gee, this wig weighs a ton! What dope'd wear a thing like this?"

"Everybody used to wear them, Lina."

"Well, then everybody was a dope."

"Oh Donny! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy-weensy bit!"

"Meet the greatest actor in the world. I'd rather kiss a tarantula!"

"But, you don't mean that."

"I don't - - Hey Joe, get me a tarantula."

"If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. Bless you all."

"Lina! We're missing every other word! You've got to talk into the mike!"

"Well, I can't make love to a bush!"

"Don, it'll be a sensation! 'Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!'"

"Well of *course* we talk. Don't everybody?"

"Why, you rattlesnake! You got that poor kid fired."

"That's not all I'm gonna do if I ever get my hands on her."

"I never heard of anything so low. Why did you do it?"

"Because you liked her. I could tell."

"So that's it. Believe me, I don't like her half as much as I hate you, you reptile."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones..."

"I'd like to break every bone in your body."

"You and who else, you big lummox?"

"Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost."

"Nobody's got that much money."

"Now look, Miss Lamont, Don and I..."

"Don? Don't you *dare* call him Don! I was calling him Don before you were born! I mean... You-you were kissing him!"

"*I* was kissing *her*! I happen to be in love with her."

"That's ridiculous. Everybody knows you're in love with me."

"What's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?"

"I'm an actress..."

"Oh..."

"...on the stage."

"Oh, on the stage, well I'd like to see you act, what are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or bring along an interpreter, that is if they'd let in a *movie* actor."

"I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York..."

"Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one of course."

"Laugh all you want, but at least the stage is a dignified profession."

"Dignified profession."

"What do you have to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film... just a shadow. You're not flesh and blood."

"Oh, no?"

"Stop!"

"What can I do to you, I'm only a shadow."

"What's the first thing an actor learns? 'The show must go on!' Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on!"

"Now Lina, you've been reading all those fan magazines again! Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air."

"Oh, Donny, you don't mean that."

"They can't make a fool out of Lina Lamont. They can't make a laughing stock out of Lina Lamont. What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

"Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all."

"Why bother to shoot this film? Why not release the old one under a new title? You've seen one, you've seen them all."

"Hey, what'd you say that for?"

"What's the matter?"

"That's what that Kathy Selden said to me that night."

"That's three weeks ago, you still thinking about that?"

"I can't get her out of my mind."

"How could you - she's the first dame who hasn't fallen for your line since you were four."

"After all, I'm still more important to the studio than she is."

"Lina, I wouldn't do that to her in a million years. Why, you'd be taking her career away from her. People just don't do things like that."

"People? I ain't 'people'! I am a... 'a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament.' It says so... right there."

"Repeat after me - Tah, Tey, Tee, Toe, Too."

"Tah, Tey, Tye, Tow, Tyo."

"No, no, no Miss Lamont, Round tones, round tones. Now, let me hear you read your line."

"And I cayn't stand'im."

"And I can't stand him."

"And I cayn't stand'im."

"Can't."

"Cayn't."

"Caaaan't"

"Cayyyyn't"

"My dad said, 'Be an actor, my son, But be a comical one,' They'll be standin' in lines, For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines, Now you could study Shakespeare, And be quite elite, And you could charm the critics, And have nothing to eat, Just slip on a banana peel, The world's at your feet, Make 'em laugh, Make 'em laugh, Make 'em laugh..."

"I'm no actor. I never was. Just a lot of dumb show. I know that now."

"Well, at least you're taking it lying down."

"No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on that screen tonight?"

"Yeah, how about Lina?"

"All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. Anyway, I'm through, fellas."

"Don, you're not through!"

"Why of course not. Why, with your looks and your figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!"

"Block hats!"

"Sell pencils!"

"Dig ditches!"

"Or worse still, go back to vaudeville."

"You keep away from me! Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me!"

"Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester, and you? You are too far above me! Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side!"

"I just had to tell you how good you were."

"Now that I know where you live I'd like to see you home."

"Don't tell me, it's a flat tire."

"I can't understand it. This car hasn't given me a lick of trouble in nearly 6 hours."

"Tell me the truth, am I a good actor?"

"As long as I'm working for Monumental Pictures, you're the greatest of 'em all."

"Cosmo, remind me to give you a raise."

"Oh, R.F. Give me a raise."

"The price of fame. You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no fame, I've got no glory, I've got no big mansions, I've got no money! But I've got - what have I got?"

"I don't know, what have you got?"

"I gotta get out of here."

"What do you think of it, Dexter?"

"It'll never amount to a thing."

"Its vulgar!"

"That's what they said about the horseless carriage."

"I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain, What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!"