"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room!"

"You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company."

"Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks."

"Mein Führer! I can walk!"

"Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

"We must not allow a mine shaft gap!"

"You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!"

"All right, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both sorry, all right?"

"Well, boys, I reckon this is it — nuclear combat toe to toe with the Russkies."

"Stay on the bomb run, boys. I'm going to get them doors open if it harelips everybody on Bear Creek."

"Yahoo! YAHOO!"

"The whole point of the doomsday machine is lost... if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh?!"

"I don't say we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops!...uh, depending on the breaks."

"Your Commie has no regard for human life. Not even his own."

"Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on them Rooskies."

"Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?"

"I think there's some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper found out about your preversion and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts."

"Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for you twit!!"

"It would not be difficult, Mein Führer! Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm sorry, Mr. President."

"I sure wish WE had one of those Doomsday Machines."

"If you try any preversions in there, I'll blow your head off."

"Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap."

"It is not only possible, it is essential."

"He changed it when he became a citizen. Used to be Merkwürdigliebe."

"Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain't no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?"

"I think we ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance."

"Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads from the valley of fear."

"Dmitri, there's no point in you getting hysterical at a moment like this! Dmitri! Keep your feet on the ground when you're talking, Dmitri..."

"Look, Dmitri, you know exactly where they're going and I'm sure your entire air defense can stop a single plane."

"I'm beginning to smell a big fat Commie rat."

"If the spaghetti hits the fan, now we're really in trouble."

"Major Kong, is it possible this is some kind of loyalty test? You know: give the 'go code' and then recall to see who would actually go?"

"One of our base commanders... went a little funny in the head..."

"Water, that's what I'm getting at, water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven-tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, do you realize that seventy percent of you is water?"

"Vodka, that's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?"

"On no account will a Commie ever drink water, and not without good reason."

"I don't think they wanted me to talk really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras."

"Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one 45 caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; $100 in rubles; $100 in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings."

"[Clemenceau] said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

"At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!"

"Well, shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink. What's the nearest target opportunity?"

"You're talking about mass murder, General, not war!"

"Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless distinguishable, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed."

"Well, a Kraut by any other name, uh Stainesey?"

"That's private property."

"Waaaiill I've been to a world's fair, a picnic and a rodeo, and that's got to be the stupidest thing I ever heard over a set of earphones!"

"I'm sorry, too, Dmitri... I'm very sorry..."

"General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons."

"That's right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And although I hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like General Ripper exceeded his authority."

"General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring!"

"Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir."

"Our source was the New York Times."

"Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature."

"I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor."

"First, trust NO one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be FIRED UPON; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions afterward. I would sooner accept a few casualties through accidents rather losing the entire base and its personnel through carelessness."

"Today, the nation is counting on us. We're not going to let them down. Good luck to you all."

"Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's much better. Yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both coming through fine."

"Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of, well he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little... funny. And uh, he went and did a silly thing. Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to attack your country."

"Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to say hello. Not now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened. It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it."

"Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens. It would be quite easy. At the bottom of uh, some of our deeper mine shafts. Radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided."

"Well I... I would hate to have to decide who stays up and who goes down."

"Well, that would not be necessary, Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set, and programmed, to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills. Of course it will be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included, to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition."

"Actually, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But uh, with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of, say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within, say, twenty years."

"But look here, doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief-stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living?"

"No sir, when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive! There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind. Combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead!"

"I think we ought to look at this from a military point of view, I mean, ah, supposing the Russkies stashed away some big bombs, see, and we didn't. When they come out in a hundred years, they could take over! ... I think it would be extremely naïve of us, Mr. President, to imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policies!"

"I think it would be extremely naïve of us, Mr. President, to, uh, to imagine that these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policies! I mean we must be ... increasingly on the alert, to prevent them from taking over other mine shaft space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do, thus knocking us out through superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we must not allow ... a mine shaft gap!"

"Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot's good, see... I mean, if he's really... sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big plane, like a '52, vroom! There's jet exhaust, flyin' chickens in the barnyard!"

"Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye... ooh."

"Hmm... Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain't no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?"

"Well, a Kraut by any other name, uh Stainesey?"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen! Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. Uh, Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil..."

"General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the wing. If you'll excuse me sir. I'm afraid sir, I must ask you for the key and the recall code. Have you got them handy sir?"

"Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water or rainwater? And only pure grain alcohol?"

"Have you ever wondered why I don't, Mandrake? I've had to make the most terrible decision a soldier has to make. I have to bring my men face to face with combat. A combat that will, I'm afraid, cost many lives."

"Well, Mandrake, the order is, ah... POE. P-O-E. You'll have to excuse me, Mandrake. They're forcing me to take an active part in the defense of the base now. Here, catch!"

"They'll have to fight their way in. My boys aren't going to give up, Mandrake. They know what they have to do. And uh, in all fairness, I don't think I can order them to stop. It's every man's duty to fight for his country's honor."

"But I... I do deny them my essence."

"Sir! I have a plan!"

"Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simple to understand... and completely credible and convincing."

"How long would you have to stay down there?"

"Well let's see now ah...cobalt thorium G....Radioactive half-life of uh,...I would think that uh... possibly uh... one hundred years."

"You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?"

"Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country, but I would guess that dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided."

"Well I... I would hate to have to decide...who stays up and...who goes down."

"Of course, it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. Ha, ha."

"Warrrgh!"

"Doctor, you mentioned the, uh, ratio of, uh, ten women to each man. Now, uh, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called, uh, monogamous sexual relationship, I mean as far as men were concerned?"

"Uhh, regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual – umph - characteristics, which will have to be of a highly... stimulating nature."

"I've done as you asked. Be careful Mr. President. I think he's drunk."

"Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of, um, 40 megatons each."

"This is preposterous! I've never approved of anything like that!"

"Our source was the New York Times."

"How is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically and at the same time impossible to untrigger?"

"He changed it when he became a citizen. Used to be Merkwürdigliebe."

"Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad!"

"I agree, Mr. President! In fact, they might even try an immediate sneak attack so they could take over our mine shaft space."

"The central display of Russia will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within, uh, 25 minutes."

"Colonel...that Coca Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there."

"Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you? You're gonna have to answer to the Coca Cola company."