"What are you doing in my swamp?!"

"Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. You get it? We both have layers."

"What are you doing in my swamp?"

"For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think."

"Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes—No! Donkey: Oh, they make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs..."

"This is the part where you run away."

"I'm an ogre! You know, 'grab your torch and pitchforks!' Doesn't that bother you?"

"Better out than in, I always say!"

"I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?"

"Well, that's not very nice."

"I have to save my ass."

"Now, ogres—they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast."

"I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes."

"Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go 'Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!' They judge me before they even know me—that's why I'm better off alone..."

"Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the—"

"Dead broad off the table!"

"All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Man, I like you. What's your name?"

"Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!"

"You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, 'Let's get some parfait,' they say, 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait.'? Parfaits are delicious!"

"You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!"

"Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly!"

"I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug."

"This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!"

"Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: Outside!"

"Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!"

"Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!"

"Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest."

"You definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!"

"I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder."

"Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?"

"Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

"Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make."

"What's that? It's hideous!"

"I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world."

"Do you know the Muffin Man?"

"Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!"

"Eat me!"

"Well, she's married to the Muffin Man."

"You're a monster."

"This be-ith our first meeting."

"You know, you should sweep me off my feet... out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed."

"Please, I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer."

"What kind of knight ARE you?"

"But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!"

"I thought true love's kiss would break the spell."

"Well, that explains a lot."

"Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! [nose grows] Captain: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away."

"Lord Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!"

"Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice."

"Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?"

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall—is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

"Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king. Lord Farquaad: [Thelonius smashes a mirror] You were saying?"

"Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss."

"Like that's ever gonna happen."

"Old lady: [moves Donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. Captain: Get her outta my sight."

"All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom."

"Donkey: You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp? Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk."

"Okay, fine. Attention all, fairytale things. Don't get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out."

"I'm a donkey on the edge!"

"Dragon!"

"Shrek's ugly 24-7."

"I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek."

"Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there! Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass."

"Fiona: What kind of knight ARE you? Shrek: One of a kind."

"I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew."

"It's just a donkey."

"That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!"

"Bear: [crying] This cage is too small."

"Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!"

"Geppetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. [nose grows]"

"Captain: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!"

"Shrek: [to Donkey] Why are you following me? Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me..."

"Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends."

"Donkey: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? Donkey: Uh... really tall?"

"Donkey: No! I'm an ogre! You know, 'grab your torch and pitchforks!' Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope."

"Donkey: Oh, and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget."

"Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common."

"Donkey: Can I stay with you? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No."

"Donkey: You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [pause] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together!"

"Shrek: [discovers Snow White on his table] Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!"

"Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken! Shrek: [finds the Big Bad Wolf in his bed] What?"

"Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us! Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!"

"Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament—no, no, the privilege—will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona."

"Magic Mirror: [introducing bachelorettes] Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away."

"Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy."

"Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava!"

"Lord Farquaad: [signaling his guards, one of them holds up a cue card reading 'Laugh'] An ogre and a princess!"

"Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Lord Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous!"

"Lord Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king!"

"Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?"

"Fiona: I wanted to show you before... [turns into an ogre] Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot."

"Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek? What you got against the whole world anyway, huh?"

"Shrek: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Shrek: Yeah, I know."

"Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else. Shrek: [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?"

"Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you. Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that."

"Shrek: Because... because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Fiona: And what do you know about true love?"

"Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass."

"Donkey: [after the dragon eats Farquaad] All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Shrek: [first lines] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss... Like that's ever gonna happen."